Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Which Food Network Celebrity Would You Eat?

You're on board when the Food Network's private jet loses an engine and crash lands in the Andes. All of the network's celebrities survive. So... who do you eat? There are a few criteria to keep in mind:

1) Bam! for the buck. You'd want to pick someone with a bit of meat on the bones. Giada may look good enough to eat, but she'd hardly make for a feast.
2) Tenderness. Age may bring wisdom and superior wine, but youth just tastes better on the barbie. Paula Deen might be a good source of ready-made jerky, though, for the long hike out of the wilderness.
3) Quality of feed. Okay, more than one of the celebrity cooks are packing a few extra meals around on their frames, but what ingredients went into making all that well-marbled meat? If you are what you eat, you just know Sandra Lee and Rachael Ray are at least 75% artificial preservatives.
4) Cooking chops. Once the menu has been selected and dispatched, someone has to prepare it. You'd probably want to keep the best chefs around for sheer aesthetics. And because they'll cut you. Very, very efficiently.
5) Annoyance factor. Sure, Bobby Flay is the BBQ king, and undoubtedly the most qualified to whip up an expedient long pork banquet. You get the sense it's something he's done more than once before. But would you really want to be trapped on a mountainside with him?

All things considered, I'm voting go with the flo. Tyler Florence - it's what's for dinner.


Kevan who? said...

I just wish I had that perfect mix of cultural savvy, loneliness and cable television that would allow me to be this acquainted with the stars of the Food Network.

IRFH said...

Me too. I had to substitute Google skillz for loneliness, since I only knew about three of these people by name.

LoriFLA said...

I would have to eat Ina Garten (The Barefoot Contessa). Her ingredients and food are top quality, and she's quite plump. I would imagine her flesh would sustain me for quite some time. Killing Bobby Flay would be easy. I don't know if I could eat him though. Maybe if I covered his face with a towel first. Better yet, I'll dismember his head and kick it down the hill. [NOT MORBID]

Robin said...

Gotta go with Rachel Ray but I'd let Alton Brown cook her up. For science.

Mostly, I've just been looking for a reason to kill her off. I'd probably abstain from the actual feast and lick some slime off a rock instead.

interrobang said...

I think a more important question is: which Food Network celebrity would you eat out?