Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Geek Bible

1. In the beginning was the void. It was really boring. Nothing going on at all. God couldn't even get a date.
2. Eventually, God decided it would be good to make some stuff.
3. Some sources credit Steve Jobs with originating the whole "creation" meme. But God made it to market first with an entirely closed-source, proprietary design. The Universe (patent pending) quickly became ubiquitous.
4. On the first day, God created the heavens and the earth.
5. Actually, the term "day" may be a bit misleading, here. Keep in mind that there wasn't any consistent way to keep track of time until after God created the sun, moon, and stars, around "day" four. Prior to "day" four, God's cycles had pretty much been measured in units called "eternities." So God probably put in a bit of overtime that week.

Note: God did eventually adjust to local time in the early 1800's, but the jetlag was murder. And by then, God had sealed his reputation for always being late (see Luke 1.38b: And The Lord pulled up his breeches and said unto Mary, "I'll be right back. I’m just going to zip down to the store and pick up some smokes.").

6. On "day" six, God finally got around to making some people, which turned out pretty badly for everyone involved.
7. "Run, you fools!"
8. In which everyone commences begetting.
9. "Let my people go." "So let it be written, so let it be done." "A dingo ate my baby!"
10. After an age or two, The Lord decided to upgrade his design with the Jesus Release. But the effort was troubled from the start, when the Roman DOJ moved to break up God's monopoly by forcing him to separate religion from the OS.
11. "Take. Eat…." "Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!" "Father, forgive them. They know not what they do." "I'll be back!"
12. Industry rumors abound that Jesus 2.0 is scheduled for release any day now. But skeptics point out Heaven's® abysmal track record at making deadlines.


1. A prerelease bootleg of Jesus 2.0 is widely available six months ahead of schedule, taking Satan 2.0 completely by surprise.
2. The Singularity will be televised. Under a Creative Commons License.

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Originally posted at hyper-textual ontology.


Robin Zebrowski said...

I'm so glad you re-posted this. I still love it.

IRFH said...

Thanks! I'm going to periodically post re-runs- urm, I mean "best-of" retrospectives from various places I've posted over the years. Just to keep the blog from seeming too fresh and up-to-date.