If The Internet Were On TV: The Equations

Boing Boing: Space Ghost Coast to Coast + 60 Minutes + Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip + McGyver = The A-Team. Well, The B-Team, anyway. Either way: RIAA? You better watch your backs, fools!

Suicide Girls: America’s Next Top Model + Attack of the Show! + The Real World = The Apprentice. Is it exploitation or empowerment? Who cares. If you’re not 17–36, conventionally unconventional and hawt, you’re fired!

Wil Wheaton dot Net (WWdN: In Exile): My Name is Earl + Family Matters + Celebrity Poker Showdown + Wheel of Fortune (I’d like to buy another “L”, Pat) = Max Headroom

Google = TV Guide

YouTube: America’s Funniest Home Videos + Nova + Public Access Television + Jackass = The Gong Show

Fark: The Gong Show + WrestleMania = When Animals Attack

MetaFilter: Mythbusters + The McLaughlin Group + The Soup + American Idol + Antiques Roadshow + Talk Sex with Sue Johanson = The Simpsons. Or Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? I can’t decide. Maybe both, I guess. So what's The Simpsons + Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? Ah. Got it. MetaFilter = South Park. I should have known. You bastards!

Nature Abhors A Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

The Geek Bible

1. In the beginning was the void. It was really boring. Nothing going on at all. God couldn't even get a date.
2. Eventually, God decided it would be good to make some stuff.
3. Some sources credit Steve Jobs with originating the whole "creation" meme. But God made it to market first with an entirely closed-source, proprietary design. The Universe (patent pending) quickly became ubiquitous.
4. On the first day, God created the heavens and the earth.
5. Actually, the term "day" may be a bit misleading, here. Keep in mind that there wasn't any consistent way to keep track of time until after God created the sun, moon, and stars, around "day" four. Prior to "day" four, God's cycles had pretty much been measured in units called "eternities." So God probably put in a bit of overtime that week.

Note: God did eventually adjust to local time in the early 1800's, but the jetlag was murder. And by then, God had sealed his reputation for always being late (see Luke 1.38b: And The Lord pulled up his breeches and said unto Mary, "I'll be right back. I’m just going to zip down to the store and pick up some smokes.").

6. On "day" six, God finally got around to making some people, which turned out pretty badly for everyone involved.
7. "Run, you fools!"
8. In which everyone commences begetting.
9. "Let my people go." "So let it be written, so let it be done." "A dingo ate my baby!"
10. After an age or two, The Lord decided to upgrade his design with the Jesus Release. But the effort was troubled from the start, when the Roman DOJ moved to break up God's monopoly by forcing him to separate religion from the OS.
11. "Take. Eat…." "Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!" "Father, forgive them. They know not what they do." "I'll be back!"
12. Industry rumors abound that Jesus 2.0 is scheduled for release any day now. But skeptics point out Heaven's^® abysmal track record at making deadlines.

Revelations

1. A prerelease bootleg of Jesus 2.0 is widely available six months ahead of schedule, taking Satan 2.0 completely by surprise.
2. The Singularity will be televised. Under a Creative Commons License.

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Originally posted at hyper-textual ontology.

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