Passive-Aggressive Ninja: Driving To Jaded

A Passive Aggressive Ninja Guide to Gift-Giving

• Convince friends, family, and co-workers that this year you will not exchange gifts for birthdays and holidays. This year, you will plan get-togethers and events and revel in the true spirit of community. Then buy everybody gifts.
• Always buy gifts at least $10 more - or less - expensive than everybody else. If you are financially comfortable, spend $10 less. If you are tight on money, spend $10 more.
• Always buy the most expensive useless gift you can afford, within the parameters set above. If possible, buy something they might actually like, but in a format you know they can't use.
• Make a big point of including a gift receipt for them to use "in case they don't like it." Just make sure it's the wrong receipt.
• Say it with flowers. Where "it" is defined as, "Don't you have allergies?"
• Always buy lingerie in the size you wish he/she were, and always include a large box of chocolates.
• Public re-gifting in groups is for amateurs. Instead, give the same gift someone else gave last year - but with obvious upgrades.
• Gifts for other people's children should always be noisy AND messy. Just one or the other might still be considered cute.
• Never tell anyone what you would like. If asked, sigh and say, "Oh, I don't need anything."
• If inspiration eludes you altogether, try giving the gift of charity. Donate money in the other person's name to an embarrassing or really, really depressing cause. Be sure to sign them up for the charity's newsletter.

Passive-Aggressive Ninja Standoff

The Code of the Passive-Aggressive Ninja

• I am a Passive-Aggressive Ninja, and you are not worth the effort.
• The path of the Passive-Aggressive Ninja is always ninety degrees from the destination.
• A Passive-Aggressive Ninja never strikes in anger, for anger is a reaction, and reaction is an acknowledgement of my enemy's right to exist.
• The strength of the Passive-Aggressive Ninja is in the weakness of my opponent. If my enemy strikes a mighty blow, I will not try to counter the blow; instead, I will ask: "Are you going to wear that?"
• Revenge is best promised, hinted at, glimpsed briefly, and ultimately delayed indefinitely, so my enemy can anticipate it forever.
• A Passive-Aggressive Ninja's nun-chucks are forged from sarcasm, rumor, and innuendo.
• A Passive-Aggressive Ninja never brings a knife to a gunfight; a Passive-Aggressive Ninja always manages to just miss the gunfight due to traffic.
• It's a Passive-Aggressive Ninja thing. You wouldn't understand.
• A Passive-Aggressive Ninja did not just hit you. It was only a joke.
• Or not.
• Whatever.