A Passive Aggressive Ninja Guide to Gift-Giving

• Convince friends, family, and co-workers that this year you will not exchange gifts for birthdays and holidays. This year, you will plan get-togethers and events and revel in the true spirit of community. Then buy everybody gifts.
• Always buy gifts at least $10 more - or less - expensive than everybody else. If you are financially comfortable, spend $10 less. If you are tight on money, spend $10 more.
• Always buy the most expensive useless gift you can afford, within the parameters set above. If possible, buy something they might actually like, but in a format you know they can't use.
• Make a big point of including a gift receipt for them to use "in case they don't like it." Just make sure it's the wrong receipt.
• Say it with flowers. Where "it" is defined as, "Don't you have allergies?"
• Always buy lingerie in the size you wish he/she were, and always include a large box of chocolates.
• Public re-gifting in groups is for amateurs. Instead, give the same gift someone else gave last year - but with obvious upgrades.
• Gifts for other people's children should always be noisy AND messy. Just one or the other might still be considered cute.
• Never tell anyone what you would like. If asked, sigh and say, "Oh, I don't need anything."
• If inspiration eludes you altogether, try giving the gift of charity. Donate money in the other person's name to an embarrassing or really, really depressing cause. Be sure to sign them up for the charity's newsletter.